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Things That It Took Me Years To Learn

by Dave Barry

Dave Barry has been at The Miami Herald
since 1983. He won the Pulitzer Prize for
commentary in 1988. Barry writes about various
major issues relating to the international
economy, the future of democracy, the social infrastructure and exploding toilets.

  • You should not confuse your career with your life.
  • A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  • The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  • The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
  • People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  • The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
  • No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  • When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
  • Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  • Never lick a steak knife.
  • Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
  • There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race hasn't achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
  • And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
  • Your true friends love you, anyway.

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